I just left a howling Ma Puce (The Artist Formerly Known As The Tinkerous Toddler) at the nursery door. She was sitting with her favourite Directress at the nursery and I know she will be well looked after, but all the same it’s made me feel dreadful.
Ma Puce has never been hugely excited in the run up to nursery, but I know from how she is when she comes out, and from feedback from the directresses, that she really enjoys it whilst she is there. It did take her a while to settle in to me leaving her at nursery, but that was way back at the start of the year.
Apart from a blip just before the end of the summer term, when I brought her home moments after we’d arrived a nursery because she wasn’t very well, I really thought the tears were a distant memory. What’s worse is that she’s been turning on the tears quite a lot in the last few weeks. I think she’s cottoned on, at two and a half, to the fact that tears can equal attention and getting your own way.
Naturally, my OH and I are trying to instil in her that tears aren’t the way to manipulate a situation. But through all these recent bouts of crying, I’ve noticed that her face takes on a very different form to when she is genuinely upset. And today, her little face showed she was genuinely upset.
But I left her. My little sweetheart. I left her, shouted a cheery goodbye and cycled off into the distance. So many things going through my head. You see I worry that because she doesn’t do many hours of nursery yet, she is maybe getting a bit too dependent on me. I’ve been feeling like this of late because Ma Puce has also started being quite anti my husband helping her to do anything.
Even though he is a totally lovely daddy. I can see the hurt it causes him, we had an episode last night, where he was truly scalded by her protestations, as she pushed him away, asking instead for “mummy, I want my mummy”. I know all children go through stages, but one thing I am really conscious of, in my decision to be a fulltime mum, is that I don’t want to create a child who believes they can’t function without me.
Helping Ma Puce to grow up to be self-sufficient and independent is one of the biggest things that my husband and I can do for her. Hence me walking, or rather cycling, away today.
But it doesn’t stop the way it makes me feel inside. I hope that when I go and collect her my instinct to leave her and not fuss over her has paid off.
Am I being a worry-wart? Am I being over-sensitive? Or should I really have listened to her and stayed with her until she was more settled? I don’t know, I don’t know. What do you think?
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