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I feel like the meanest mummy in the world

By Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh, on September 17th, 2012

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I just left a howling Ma Puce (The Artist Formerly Known As The Tinkerous Toddler) at the nursery door. She was sitting with her favourite Directress at the nursery and I know she will be well looked after, but all the same it’s made me feel dreadful.

Ma Puce has never been hugely excited in the run up to nursery, but I know from how she is when she comes out, and from feedback from the directresses, that she really enjoys it whilst she is there. It did take her a while to settle in to me leaving her at nursery, but that was way back at the start of the year.

Apart from a blip just before the end of the summer term, when I brought her home moments after we’d arrived a nursery because she wasn’t very well, I really thought the tears were a distant memory. What’s worse is that she’s been turning on the tears quite a lot in the last few weeks. I think she’s cottoned on, at two and a half, to the fact that tears can equal attention and getting your own way.

Naturally, my OH and I are trying to instil in her that tears aren’t the way to manipulate a situation. But through all these recent bouts of crying, I’ve noticed that her face takes on a very different form to when she is genuinely upset. And today, her little face showed she was genuinely upset.

But I left her. My little sweetheart. I left her, shouted a cheery goodbye and cycled off into the distance. So many things going through my head. You see I worry that because she doesn’t do many hours of nursery yet, she is maybe getting a bit too dependent on me. I’ve been feeling like this of late because Ma Puce has also started being quite anti my husband helping her to do anything.

Even though he is a totally lovely daddy. I can see the hurt it causes him, we had an episode last night, where he was truly scalded by her protestations, as she pushed him away, asking instead for “mummy, I want my mummy”. I know all children go through stages, but one thing I am really conscious of, in my decision to be a fulltime mum, is that I don’t want to create a child who believes they can’t function without me.

Helping Ma Puce to grow up to be self-sufficient and independent is one of the biggest things that my husband and I can do for her. Hence me walking, or rather cycling, away today.

But it doesn’t stop the way it makes me feel inside. I hope that when I go and collect her my instinct to leave her and not fuss over her has paid off.

Am I being a worry-wart? Am I being over-sensitive? Or should I really have listened to her and stayed with her until she was more settled? I don’t know, I don’t know. What do you think?

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Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh

mother.wife.me AKA Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh. I'm a London based blogger, writer and social media maven. This is a personal blog about my life as a MOTHER to a little girl, WIFE to a businessman husband and all the other general stuff that happens to ME.
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  • http://oldersinglemum.blogspot.co.uk/ Anya from Older Single Mum

    Oh dear. It tears you apart to leave them upset, yet when they walk away without looking back at you – that doesn’t make us feel any better either! I think you’re right to not let her depend on you more than she has been doing. Funnily enough, my little boy was really clingy dropping him off this week and never has been before. I have put it down to the Summer break? I’m sure it’ll soon pass and she’ll be back on her norma v independent form – especially being Montessori X

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thanks Anya, you’re probo right about the summer break, guess I was expecting the big tears last week, rather than this. Hope you’re lil boy gets over his clinginess too xx

  • http://mumofthreeworld.blogspot.com Sarah

    You are a worrier and it’s perfectly right and normal – that’s what good mums do! But you also did the right thing because you know you want her to be there and she will be fine. It’s better for both of you in the long-run to walk away. You’re lucky that you have the option to question your actions – for working parents there is no choice – the kids have to stay. All three of mine were in nursery for full days from 6 months and they are well-rounded, well-adjusted kids.
    Hope it goes better next time!

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thank you, you’ve made me feel so much better. I think having the option is part of the problem sometimes. Not that it is easier to walk away from your crying child if you have to go to work, but at least you know you don’t have a choice. Or maybe I have that completely wrong and you just end up guilt-tripping yourself whatever your situation. Anyway, thanks again, feel much happier now!

  • http://www.3childrenandit.blogspot.co.uk Suzanne Whitton

    I personally think that you have done the right thing and it is what I’ve done with all of mine….some it took far longer than others to settle and become independent, but you’re doing her a favour in the long-run. As for her pushing daddy away – how about he takes her out for a special daddy/daughter day at the weekend? I think it’s nice for daddy to get a look in every now and again and it reminds her that daddy can be fun too :)

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      It does seem to be that the ‘ripping the plaster’ off technique is kinder in the long run than hanging around. You are so right about the daddy thing. My OH is doing an increasing amount of looking after her for a whole day, as I now spend some Saturdays working on my new biz in his office – talk about a job swap! I think I will encourage more of it though, even if it means I have to find something to do with my time other than working or childcare… oh the hardship!!!

  • http://older-mum.blogspot.co.uk older mum in a muddle

    Hopefully this will soon pass. It reads like a very similar phase to what little A is going through – and she knows that her tears equal attention, and like you we are trying to teach her an alternative route. She know how to play us off each other as well – so we have to maintain a united front. Ps. Hope your new business is going well!

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yes, Ma Puce (TT) is trying at the playing off thing too, interesting times eh! The new biz is really starting to take shape, thank you!

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  • Claudia Schenk

    It’s totally normal after the summer break and I’m pretty sure your directresses have assured you that as soon as you were gone you were forgotten. That’s what happened with my little one these last few
    weeks anyway and there was more then just tears, it was screaming and kicking and
    all. But the longer I stay the longer she needs to settle so I just leave.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thanks Claudia, that is reassuring to hear, though sorry that E-R has been finding it hard to go into nursery – and that’s tough for you too. Let’s get together soon – as soon as we are back from hols – and console each other!!

  • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

    testing again

  • http://www.franglaisemummy.com/ Franglaise Mummy

    We had this with L when she was 2 and we had just moved house and therefore childminders. I remember how heart-breaking it was so I totally feel for you. As long as ta puce is fine during the day when you leave her, then you’ll just have to grin and bear it unfortunately, gradually the tears will stop.

    As for the daddy/daughter day, I can totally recommend this, we’ve been doing this for nearly a year now and it’s fab for everyone!

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thank you! She was much better yesterday and went in with only the minimum of fuss. I am going to push for more daddy/daughter days, they always both have fun, so more can only be a good thing all round!

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  • http://amummysview.wordpress.com amummysview

    I think you did the right thing. I had separation anxiety issues with my little girl from 4-8.5 months it was a horrendous time, and after much talk with health visitors and other experts and nothing working I had to be mean to be kind and just push her on to other people. She would scream and cry for hours sometimes and it was heartbreaking but over a one week period (if not less) of constantly doing it it totally turned around. Everything was fine until I had to take her to nursery aged 12 months and it all came to a head again. It took a good few trial sessions to settle her and then a couple of weeks of tears at the door but we got there in the end as I was always told she was fine within 5 mins of me going and every time I went to pick her up she was playing happily and full of smiles. She recently moved rooms in nursery and it has started up again. she begged me not to go the other day and it did make me cry but I called and she was fine within 5 mins again and playing happily. I think we have to teach them the essential life skill of self settling and independence and whilst it is so hard and we feel so mean we know deep down they really are ok xxx

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Hello! Didn’t spot your comment before I went on hols. It is so reassuring to hear other parents talk about how they have dealt with separation anxiety. We had a breakthrough yesterday when Ma Puce told me she wasn’t going to cry when she went in to nursery, and she didn’t! Sometimes being firm is the only way to help them in the long run, a toughie for children and parents alike, but better than them never learning how to deal with standing on their own two feet. xxx

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100003407102567 Val

    Aww I’m in the same boat as you with regards to your baby all grniowg up and leaving nursery – it’s my little man’s last ever day at nursery in the morning as he starts full time primary school in September!He’ll have a little uniform and everything, a baby no more! :-( Scary how quickly the time goes really, seems like 2 seconds ago he was a baby!

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