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Mummy Fail

By Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh, on May 26th, 2012

I'm Not really a Bitch, I just play one in your life. Mummy fail.
I just had one of those encounters that no mum likes to have. It was with my darker side. A mainly lovely morning of pottering around together and getting some errands done just ended up with me ignoring the pitiful cries of the Tinkerous Toddler in the back of the car.

The sunshine filled morning we were having started to descend into toddler high-jinx just after I took the decision for us to stay out for a spot of lunch. One minute TT was keen to have pizza, the next she was veering towards a Peppa Pig amusement car and not stopping for anyone or anything, least of all me. The scream she let out as I caught her was both loud and piercing. I did the calm, rational mother thing (you know, acted out the part!) and normal service was resumed.

Next, my vision of a lovely mummy and daughter lunch together failed to come to fruition. TT was more intent on climbing, wriggling and generally avoiding eating anything more than the crusts of the pizza. To the point where I asked for a takeaway box and gave up on finishing the darned thing. I wanted to feel my tummy getting full of pizza, all I could feel was my stress level rising.

The final straw came as we got back to our car and in the split second it took me to open her door and usher her in, she bypassed her seat and flung herself into the drivers seat. Now the car has been ours for only a couple of weeks and the sheer excitement of a new car is still plain to see on her little face. But all I wanted to do was get her in her seat, get into the drivers seat and get home.

Every time I asked her to get back into her seat, she leaned back with both hands on the steering wheel and said “no” whilst giggling and giving me her cheekiest look from over her shoulder. I tried the calm measured request, the firm and forceful request. I even tried shouting the request, well that was involuntary, as by that point I’d had enough.

I frog marched myself round to the drivers door, fished her out and bundled her into her car seat. She wasn’t happy. She had gone from ecstatic and full of the joys to miserable as sin. But that part was kind of fair enough, she had just been a little minx! I got myself into the car and we headed off. Her cries got louder and louder and more sorrowful as we drove along.

The rational side of me wanted to calm her down and soothe her, she is only 2 and a bit after all. But the irrational side of me took over and I completely ignored her, pumped up the volume on the radio and stared intently at the road ahead. All. The. Way. Home. Not sure what came over me, it isn’t ‘that’ time of the month and all is well in my world. But for a few minutes I’d had enough.

The look she gave me when I turned round as we arrived outside our house said it all. “I love you mummy, I don’t understand what just happened”. I know I am only human, I can’t get it right all of the time. But the thing to remember is that she is only human too. She was testing the boundaries, seeing what she could get away with. Just being a toddler really. But instead of reacting like an adult, I just threw a tantrum all of my own. Not big. Not clever. Must try harder next time.

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Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh

mother.wife.me AKA Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh. I'm a London based blogger, writer and social media maven. This is a personal blog about my life as a MOTHER to a little girl, WIFE to a businessman husband and all the other general stuff that happens to ME.
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  • http://cocoapowered.blogspot.co.uk/ CocoaPowered

    Ha ha….welcome to toddlerdom!!! :) So many more of these episodes to come my dear :)

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      I’m sure TT is upstairs plotting whilst she naps!!!

  • Claire@ Mummy Plum

    You have my sympathy with the driver seat. I’ve lost track of the countless times I’ve been exasperated by that one. The toddler times are testing…they want to be in the driver’s seat in every way, not just physically with their hands on the wheel.

    I found Jo Frost’s toddler taming book very helpful, after a spectacular mummy meltdown one day when my son pushed me to the limit. She’s not for everyone but I found her words of wisdom on boundaries and discipline very helpful. I never have to use the naughty step at all in fact, because her advice about just giving a ‘warning’ is usually enough to stop my son misbehaving these days.

    Good luck. We all have those days – don’t berate yourself too much. I think the way you felt is only human – I’ve felt the same many times.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thank you so much, I am so glad I posted about this, as the comments I am getting, including yours, are so helpful. And yes, toddlers are very good at pushing themselves into the driving seat in every way, I love the way you’ve put that!

  • http://www.specialneedsjungle.com Tania Tirraoro

    Speaking as the parent of two teenage boys, what you did was take control of the situation so you could continue with your day. That isn’t bad, it’s called parenting. You’re right, kids test boundaries and you showed yours where they are.
    You didn’t smack her or scream at her (and believe me, I’ve done both when pushed to extremes) As for turning up the music.. well that’s just sensible.
    We used 1-2-3 Magic by Thomas Phelan. It works, even with my two who have Asperger’s.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thank you, you’ve made me feel so much better about the whole thing, I think I’m just starting to feel a bit helpless at how to deal with this new style of boundary pushing, because whereas before it’s been done with a degree of innocence, now I can clearly see mischievous defiance written all over her face. Whilst I don’t want to dampen her spirit, I do want to ensure she has boundaries, but I think I need to up my game, because she toddled all over them yesterday!! I will check out 1-2-3 Magic, thanks for the tip.

  • http://www.lulastic.wordpress.com Lulastic

    I totally understand your sadness at this! i had a similar thing happen and I was so gutted fir the pair of us . I really think there is another way to deal with these situations but sometimes in my exasperation act quite irrationally. I don’t want to join the masses giving advice but Playful Parenting is an incredible book, so helpful and probably at the other end of the spectrum from those mentioned above.
    x

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      It’s so good to hear from others who’ve been equally confounded by their own unexpected reaction to a situation. I’ll pop over to Amazon and check out the book, thanks for mentioning it x

  • http://www.narrowboatwife.blogspot.com Narrowboat Wife

    Hey, I don’t think you threw a tantrum, I think it was sensible to ignore her and drive safely, and I bet the music helped you concentrate on the road instead of her crying tugging at your heart strings. I’m now going through the “terrible twos” with my second child, and despite having done it all before I’ve felt exasperated and desperately dived into ‘Toddlers – The Mumsnet Guide’. The advice is be firm and consistent… Like Tania, I’ve been driven to smacking and screaming which I’m not proud of: that is a real mummy tantrum! Then of course one has to apologise to Toddler for mummy’s tantrum!

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Well I was certainly very focused on the road, which isn’t always the case when madam is in the back! I’ll have a peak at Mumsnet, I agree consistency is really important, been having a chat with my husband about how we approach it in a unified way – as there is also some playing off one parent against the other creeping in now too! Interesting times, glad to read that I’m not the only one finding it a bit trying.

  • http://www.actuallymummy.co.uk Actually Mummy…

    Stay strong! She has clearly been attending the GG school of attitude and mischief!

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thank you! I wonder if she’s been sneaking on to Actually Mummy for tips, hee hee!!

  • http://threeyearsandonestonethenhome.com farfromhomemama

    I fear that I am approaching this testing phase with my 19 month old. Sometimes I feel my blood boil and I’m ready to through myself on the floor alongside him and kick and scream. We’re mums, we’re not perfect so we can forgive ourselves for not sailing through life a vision of serene, calmness. I think you behaved how most mums would behave. You are doing your best and it sounds good enough to me.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yes, I am starting to know that blood boiling feeling very well! Thanks for your reassuring words, I hope the next few months aren’t too testing for you with your toddler.

  • http://www.attemptingtheordinary.co.uk ATOmum

    Just wanted to join the chorus of mums here who thought you did just great – and thank them all for making me realise that I’m not the only one that resorts to screaming and smacking when it’s all just got too much – and having to apologise afterwards! I think, like you say though, it’s just a shock when it first happens and you see that they’re doing it deliberately – seems hard to believe of the little angels! Hang in there and try to enjoy the good bits of toddlerdom!

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thank you! It really was a shock and I can see we are entering into a whole new phase with TT – the defiant phase, ugh! There are still plenty of good bits though, you are so right, I need to make sure to enjoy those!

  • http://www.mayfairmum.com Emma Mayfair Mum

    This is a great post with some equally honest replies. We have all been there and all I can say is hang on in there. It may get worse before it gets better but it.does.get.better! Whichever method you choose to use and they all have their merits, make sure you and your husband are firm and consistent as it does pay dividends. You will fall off the wagon again too I’m sure – we all have bad days – but at three and a half I’m not only wondering how we’re heading straight for four already but I’m feeling like we’re leaving the realms of tantrums further behind us with each day. He’s still prone now and again but aren’t we all?

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Thank you! I think you are so right, firmness and consistency are the key things to remember. Good to hear from someone who has been through it and is almost out the other side! I so want to get this right, I am sure I will have more ‘off the wagon’ moments, but at least I know I not the only one and actually, a quick post about it, can help me get over it and move on in a more positive way again. Thanks for leaving such a lovely comment!

  • http://www.blogiota.blogspot.com Iota

    Just wanted to join the voices that are saying don’t worry. I grew up with a mother who was very calm and controlled. I don’t remember ever being shouted at or smacked. So I’ve always felt horribly guilty when I’ve lost my cool with my kids (and yes, I have shouted and smacked). But you can only be who you are at any given point in time, and your kids love you as that person.

    The best thing advice I’ve had (and this was years after my kids were through the toddler stage) was to do with looking after myself. It’s amazing how much easier it is to be calm around your tantrumming children, if you are well-rested, have had some good time alone, or with friends, have had a treat or two, and there are things in your life to look forward to. Loving yourself somehow makes it easier to love them properly.

    I also agree with the comment that you didn’t lose your cool. Turning the volume up was a great way of indicating that you were going to do what you thought right (ie, get home), and ignore the bad behaviour going on around you. I thought it was a good strategy, actually.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Hello, thank you so much for such a brilliant comment. You are so right about looking after myself, I am always a much more pleasant mother to be around when I am well-rested, stress-free and have had some head space to myself. It is one of the reasons I find it so hard to juggle starting to work from home and being full-time mum, it is v. easy to get stressed. Then I remind myself I’m doing it so I can be around for TT, so what is the point if she isn’t getting the best of me.

      I do feel a lot better about the whole escapade now I’ve had so many reassuring comments left. Thank you for yours.