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Words Hurt: Swearing at a child is surely emotional child abuse

By Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh, on June 14th, 2012

side view of mother ant and child ant, ants, cartoon ants, mother.wife.me

Emotional child abuse: swearing at a child cuts them like a knife

“Please don’t swear at your child!”. That’s what I wanted to say to the mother in the children’s playground earlier. But I didn’t. I didn’t say a word. I just stood and watched from a distance as her daughter’s body language showed a little girl crumbling inside.

Since I’ve become a mum I’ve found myself judging other mums a lot less than before the Tinkerous Toddler popped out. It’s only when you’ve walked the parenting path that you can truly understand the realities of it. None of us are perfect at it, most of us hope that doing our best is good enough.

And I don’t baulk too much at the sound of someone swearing in the vicinity of a child. I don’t particularly like it, but it doesn’t fill me with abject horror. It never could, because I am a potty-mouthed baggage at times and I have certainly slipped up on more than one occasion, usually when behind the steering wheel of the car.

But to hear a parent swearing AT their child, well it’s horrible. In this instance, the little girl was around seven years old and she’d come to a halt half-way down a slide, a rather big slide. Her mother started shouting at her from across the playground.

At first she seemed concerned at her daughter’s predicament. But she quickly became agitated that her daughter might be making her look foolish for not doing as she asked. Of course many of us have been in this situation. I know I have; the times when I’ve been smiling and calm on the outside, but seething on the inside.

Soon there were fucks and shits (of the verbal kind) flying everywhere. “Get the fuck down”. “Just fucking get down”. “I don’t give a shit about that, just MOVE”. The little girl became frozen to the spot. What looked like it had started as a bit of a silly-billy thing, saw her backed into a position where she didn’t know where to move. She certainly didn’t want to come sliding down and into the wrath of her mother. Especially after the mother shouted at her that she was really showing herself up.

Honestly, if anyone ever wanted a lesson into how to knock the self-worth out of a child, this was it.

The little girl finally made a slow descent to the bottom of the slide. Within moments the mother was back off to sit with her friend, shouting loudly to said friend on the walk back, “she says she couldn’t move because of a fucking ant”. And just in case the rest of the playground hadn’t heard her the first time, she shouted it again and again, “a fucking ant, a FUCKING ant”.

Personally I thought it was quite a sweet reason for a little girl to come to a halt half-way down a slide. Either she was scared of the ant or she didn’t want to crush it. Either way, bless her. Unfortunately this was all very much lost on her mum.

It is very easy to think of child abuse as hitting and beating a child, or worse. But it is so important to remember that words hurt. Words can crush a child. Swearing at your child is a form of emotional child abuse. It is words that make up the story of a child’s life and if those words and the sentiment behind them are negative and hurtful, even if it isn’t all of the time, they can destroy a child.

It’s quite ironic that whilst this little girl may well have been trying not to crush an ant, her mother didn’t think twice about crushing her.

 

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Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh

mother.wife.me AKA Luci McQuitty Hindmarsh. I'm a London based blogger, writer and social media maven. This is a personal blog about my life as a MOTHER to a little girl, WIFE to a businessman husband and all the other general stuff that happens to ME.
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  • http://older-mum.blogspot.co.uk Older Mum (In a Muddle)

    Humiliating and shaming a child to that degree must have been really difficult to witness and so painful for the girl. But I guess she is used to this on a regular basis – its become the norm. The worst part was the humilation oin the way she spoke about her daughter to her friend and that friend just colluded with the situation which will have served to further invalidate the daughters experience. And who knows what predicament the mother is in? Her partner might be abusing her? A single mum under huge financial pressure? Who knows … but that does not condone her actions. You know … and this might sound contentious but with abusive behaviour like this I would be very tempted to say something …. sometimes a mirror needs to be held to the perpetrator. But then risky …. as the mother might explode with anger at the interference and take it out even more on her daughter. But I think in certain circumstances its okay to hold a mirror.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      It was pretty darn horrible. All I could do was stand and watch and yes, she is probably used to being shamed and humiliated on a regular basis. I know totally where you’re coming from on holding up a mirror – and all the possible reasons for the mother treating her like this, it is learnt behaviour after all. But given I was there with my daughter, my first priority had to be to her, which meant not ending up in a slanging match or worse, for her to witness. I’ve also learnt from living in Hackney, that sometimes you just have to bite your tongue, no matter what you’d really like to be saying.

  • http://crankymonkeys.com/blog MrsB

    I have witnessed parents crushing their children out in public several times. It usually crushes ME as well, I keep thinking about those poor kids for a long time afterwards. Just the other day I heard a mother shouting at her 6 or 7 year old son “Just come here you STUPID CHILD!” As soon as I heard that my head swung around to give her the ‘evil eye’, I just couldn’t help it. I was across the street but I wanted her to see that these kinds of words are not on… I should have gone up to the child though and given him a hug and said “You are NOT a stupid child, don’t you ever forget it, no matter what anyone tells you!”

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      That’s the thing, our gut instinct is to wade in, stop the parent spewing their bile and comfort the child. But the reality is that on many occasions you simply can’t. I knew in my head that the likely outcome of me saying anything would be abuse being slung at me, which I could take, but I wouldn’t have wanted my daughter witness to it. And also, it wouldn’t have helped the child. So, the best I could do was to post about it, keeping stuff like this front of mind can hopefully help all of us, me included, remember how important it is not to belittle your child with words, ever.

  • http://dorkymum.wordpress.com Ruth

    What a very sad post. As you say, we have all had bad days when we’re probably said things we shouldn’t to our kids. But there is definitely a line and it sounds like this parent crossed it.

    It’s so very hard knowing whether to intervene in this kind of situation :( Like you, I probably wouldn’t have quite had the courage to, but I would have regretted it later.

    Urgh. It makes you want to hold your own child that bit closer, doesn’t it? xx

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yes, it wasn’t a particularly nice one to put together, but I felt it was the little bit that I could do, to maybe make a change to someone else’s life, as I’d been so impotent in the playground.

      TT certainly got some extra big hugs yesterday evening xx

  • http://www.wagdoll.co.uk Wag Doll

    Aw what a terribly sad post, my heart bleeds for that little girl.Makes me just what to scoop her up and give her a big hug. Yes children are infuriating at times but lack of control in that way as an adult is unacceptable.
    I recently connected up with a childhood friend we used to live next door to, my & my sis often heard her mother ranting at her, calling her “you stupid fat head!, stupid stupid child” me & sis used to giggle nervously to each other as the word fat head was funny to us…but looking back at it now I’m appalled at what out neighbour was doing to her daughter. And yep our friend was incredibly shy and nervous….no wonder!

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yip, that’s how I felt, I just wanted to go and make it alright for her. She had a friend with her of the same age, I didn’t put that in the post, but I can remember how important it was not to look silly in front of my friends when I was a youngster, so I can only imagine how she felt.

      That’s so sad about your neighbour, I grew up with a dad who didn’t swear at us kids, but was emotionally and verbally abusive in other ways and I can say 100% it totally affects your confidence, your self-worth, your self-belief.

      I vowed before I became a parent that I would never belittle my children. No matter how angry or frustrated they might make me at times, anger is one thing, verbal and emotional abuse is quite another.

  • http://www.actuallymummy.co.uk Actually Mummy…

    Thank god! I go to bed every night full of remorse for any parenting mistakes I have made during the day, and vow to be a better mother tommorrow. I am a “fucking” superstar of a mother!!!
    I cannot stand this sort of thing. I do sometimes yell at my daughter on the way to school, and I know it looks bad to others – but sometimes it is just one of those days. But I would never swear at her or put her down in front of others. NEVER!
    Great post – hope the mum can read ;)

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Exactly! We all have our moments, but there are boundaries you don’t cross and putting your child down, especially with an audience is one of those boundaries – as is swearing AT them.

  • http://www.crystaljigsaw.blogspot.com Crystal Jigsaw

    It wouldn’t surprise me in the least if that mother has been subjected to exactly the same abuse throughout her life and is now living in an abusive relationship, either physically or mentally. People like her have no concept of emotion but it often comes from a background situation. However, a grown woman should know better no matter what her circumstances.

    CJ x

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      I agree, behaviour like this is likely to have been learnt. I know it can be tough to move on or move away from negative behaviour, but that’s one of the things you really have to address when you become a parent surely. Lx

  • http://mumofthreeworld.blogspot.com Sarah

    That is really shocking. We all shout at our kids, but some are more extreme. I always wonder in cases like this – if the mum is willing to behave like that in public, how much worse will she be behind closed doors?! Give that child another couple of years and that behaviour will be water off a duck’s back, she will be so used to it, it won’t affect her any more. Then she will be truly damaged. Great post, shame it had to be written

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yes, it crossed my mind too. My husband and I were talking about adoption at the weekend and that flashed back into my mind, as I watched this little girl. Not saying I’m a saint by a long shot, but I know that I would never, ever speak to a child the way this woman was speaking to her daughter.

  • http://www.3childrenandit.blogspot.co.uk Suzanne Whitton

    Wow, that must have been very upsetting for you to witness. I don’t think this kind of behaviour in an adult is acceptable in the slightest, we are adults, they are the child. We are then to teach them how to behave. Like Crystal Jigsaw, I expect this mother was spoken to like this as she was growing up. Most of our behaviour is learnt behaviour. We do have a choice though and I so feel for this poor little girl, I wonder how much chance she has in life….So sad :(

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Not nice to stand and watch it, I still feel bad that I didn’t step in, but I doubt it would have resulted in a positive resolution if I had. I agree totally with you, this mother learnt her behaviour from somewhere. I didn’t have the easiest time of it with my father when I was growing up, the one thing I took from it and brought to parenthood was to break the cycle. To my mind, once you are an adult, there are explanations for bad behaviour, but not excuses, especially not where children are concerned.

  • http://knittymummy.blogspot.co.uk/ knittymummy

    totally missing the point of your post (which I agree with totally) I had to share that my son won’t go down the slide if there is an insect on it because “somebody else is having a turn”

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      That’s what is so sad. What a sweet reason for not wanting to go down a slide. We all get frustrated by our children’s ‘odd’ behaviour at times, but ripping them to shreds is never going to be the right way to deal with it.

      Your son sounds like an absolute darling by the way, what a cutie to care about ants getting their turn!

  • http://www.stressymummy.com Nikki Thomas

    I hate people swearing around children, I think it’s awful.
    As a teacher, you have to understand that whilst swearing is not acceptable, for some kids, it is second nature as that is what they hear all the time at home. How can you accept anything else? Apart from that side of it, that is awful and some people don’t realise how fragile a child is and how deeply that sort of treatment can affect them. It is hard sometimes not to say anything, but idiot can’t as you would only make the situation worse, but it is hard when someone is behaving so awfully to a child.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yip, it definitely didn’t feel like there was much I could’ve done that would have made the situation better. Perhaps a big burly man with a heart of gold might’ve got away with it, but not me. That’s what is so hard to take, children like this little girl don’t really stand a chance, unless they have another relative who can step in.

  • http://oldersinglemum.blogspot.co.uk/ Anya from Older Single Mum

    A truly shocking scenario – how awful for you to witness it – and for any other children to too. I hope this poor child recovers and sees the looks of horror on other parents faces.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      I think that’s the thing, children don’t necessarily recover from this sort of thing. And I doubt it was the first time she’d been subjected to this kind of verbal abuse. Poor little love.

  • http://catherineburden.wordpress.com AlwaysARedhead

    Words can be so painful to a child, it doesn’t even have to be a swear word, it is the tone, and that tone lasts a lifetime in the memory of a child.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yes, that is so true. I don’t really remember my dad swearing at me as a child, but there are a lot of other words used that caused a great deal of pain at times. And yes, those memories last a lifetime.

  • http://www.honestmum.com Honest Mum

    How awful-that poor child. I’m sure that mother was treated the same way by her mother and the cycle continues-reflection of wider socionomic problems no doubt but awful just the same…

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yes, that seems to be the consensus from the comments on here and I do tend to agree. You are so right about the wider socio-economic problem, times are a changing and not in a good way.

  • http://rossmountney.wordpress.com Ross Mountney

    Brilliant post! So totally agree – have experienced it so many times living near a holiday town where I’ve witness the F-way to parent so many times! In fact I was in Claires Accessories where there was a screaming three year old having had one ear pierced refusing to have the other done. Mum was blackmailing her with everything she could think of including ‘you won’t look pretty’ and ‘you wanted it done’as if a three year old can understand implications! I wanted to smack her (mum, that is). Had to leave the shop I was so angry and angry at myself for not saying anything but didn’t want to make the situation worse.

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Oh that sounds awful, poor little girl must’ve been petrified. You’d think the stupid shop keeper would step in and say something, at least they’d have had a bit more of a stake in the proceedings to do so.

  • http://www.winniesinkyfingers.com Winnie

    Your post was right on the money. Words can wound deeply.
    Thanks for the kind visit today. Have a blast at your blogging conference. I hope to read about it when you return! I can’t wait for August. I am sure we will learn and meet some fab people!

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      A pleasure visiting your site. I will certainly post about my experiences, here’s to great blogging conferences all round!

  • http://amummysview.wordpress.com amummysview

    Gosh that is awful! How disrespectful and what is she teaching her child too by going on like that. She should be ashamed! x

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Exactly, poor little girl isn’t be set a very good example, alongside being torn to shreds x

  • http://imcountingufoz.com Steph (@imcountingufoz)

    Oh there is nothing I hate more than hearing a parent berate their child like that. It makes me feel so uncomfortable and sad for the child. I am the first to admit that at times I have been less than lovely to mine, but I have never ever used language like that at them. There is a mum at preschool who smacks and swears at her kids all the time in the playground. I get that she is frazzled and tired but I just want to shake her. There are other ways, woman, your kids are TODDLERS!! I also wonder if the kids are used to hearing that in public, what do they hear behind closed doors?

    • http://www.motherwifeme.com mother.wife.me

      Yes, it does make you wonder what goes on behind closed doors if they aren’t worried about smacking and swearing at a child in public. It is a downward spiral too, the majority of us must all shout at our kids at some point, but once you start swearing at them and belittling them, where do you go from there, you’ve lost control it can only go downhill.